So, tomorrow's the big day! I'm moving, and not just the blog this time. I'm moving me and a husband and a whole house full of things. What an adventure this has been already!
So, we found this apartment Memorial Day weekend and all of my friends laughed at me for starting to pack that weekend. "Oh Amanda, you're so funny with your neurosis and OCD!!!" Well you can fuck straight off because I'm still not all packed. It's amazing how much shit you can accumulate within five years in a very small apartment. Where did we get so many...things? Absolutely useless...things. Granted, they're pretty things, but things nonetheless. Things that need wrapped in 1000 pieces of newspaper and put in boxes that then have to be lifted and moved. Jesus, who thought this moving thing was a good idea?
Also, no one seems to know the address of the new apartment? Who moves into an apartment with two addresses? I do, that's who. If you talk to the post office, it's one, if you talk to utilities, it's the other. Which is awesome, because it's been insane moving the utilities. Wednesday, I called Verizon...I wanted that shiny new Fios package. We talked to the people in the other apartment in the building and I was pretty sure that they told me they had Fios. So, I call Verizon and they tell me that Fios is not available in my area. I told them to check the other apartment number, they tell me that it's not available there either. So I tell them to check the other apartment's service, and the representative tells me that they have regular Verizon service, not Fios. So I spend 40 goddamn minutes on the phone with this guy setting everything up. We went with the phone and internet (DSL) service that we have now and that comes bundled with Direct TV. I've never had a problem with them, so I figure, hey, that's fine, completely forgetting that this is a rental unit. So, I email the landlord to make sure that they're okay with us putting a dish on the house and they reiterate that the other apartment has Fios! So I call Verizon again, and they tell me that yes, Fios is available at the ONE address, but not the other! How could you have service at 437 but not at 435 when it's a dead end street?! So then, I spend another 40 minutes on the phone canceling the old order and putting in a new one. Sheesh.
So, long story short, I'm now getting Fios in my non-existent apartment. It's a way better deal and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm pretty excited about the new apartment in general. While I will miss the apartment we're in now and the neighborhood, I'm eager to have a fresh beginning. It was always the running joke that if my apartment had one more room and two more closets, I'd live there for the rest of my life. Well, this apartment has one more room and four more closets. Hooray for lucking out! We'll have a real, live office for me to blog in, now. (Even though usually I post at work, shhhh!) Maybe it will inspire me to not be such a slacker.
It's been insanely busy in work and life though. Ever since we went away on a three day conference and the beginning of June it's just been impossible to get caught up. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, however. What amazes me is how people do all this shit and have other obligations and families and whatnot. I would have torn my face clean off. I'm overwhelmed now, ferchrissakes, I can't even imagine throwing other things on top of it. Some good, hard work never killed anyone, but damn. So, when you don't see me for a week or two, you'll know why.
Have a happy and safe Fourth of July weekend and just hope I don't go on a homicidal rampage. In honor of this day, check out this super sweet video:
Friday, July 2, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Who needs coffee when you have Ruckus Roboticus?
So, I'm super crazy busy today, and every day in general as of right now, but I wanted to throw some of these incredibly funky beats your way. Check out Ruckus Roboticus, DJ and Ohisian, but don't hold that against him. Actually, he's playing near Dayton on July 17, 2010, and I'm half tempted to make the four hour trek. We'll see what happens. From his website:
"Chicks"
Shit, there's no video for "Jump In". You can check out that track and many more over on his Myspace. You can also follow him on Twitter, check him out on his website, and like him on the ol' Facebook. It'll certainly get your blood flowing on a Monday.
Born from the industrial powers of Dayton, Ohio, Ruckus Roboticus has risen to unleash his fury of funk, hip-hop and mischief. Part turntable, half drum machine, all sex machine; the robotic wonder has continually electrified listeners with his colorful and imaginative world of sound.
When he's not busy remixing the stars (Bloc Party, Lady Tigra, Vampire Weekend, Pase Rock), or winning "Best DJ Mix" awards from Rockstar Games, Scion, and Solid Steel Radio, this bot can be found tearing the roof off of your local dancehall, art gallery, fashion show, and house party with a fierce live-set. His sharp skills and diverse selection have landed him countless shows across country, and even a few in the U.K., Canada and South Korea. He's rocked on stage with Crystal Castles, RJD2, The Juan Maclean, Peanut Butter Wolf, Prince Paul, DJ Jazzy Jeff, DJ Food, The Rub DJs, DJ Premier, Mitsu The Beats, and Mr. Lif. And he has heads nodding to his beats featured on Nickelodeon, MTV, and a Progressive Car Insurance commercial... It's no wonder his fans call him "the second hardest working man in show business."
At the beginning of 2008, Ruckus quietly infiltrated the iPods & Turntables of the world with his long-awaited debut album, "Playing with Scratches" (Grease Records, 2008). While the album didn't quite reach the Pop Charts, his tracks nonetheless dazzled critics and DJ's alike, gaining support from indie juggernauts KCRW (Los Angeles), WFMU (New York), KEXP (Seattle), WOXY (Cincinnati), and others, eventually catapulting the album into the CMJ Top Ten. Tracks were also supported by The World Cafe (NPR), XM Satellite Radio, Rob Da Bank (BBC Radio 1), Annie Mac (BBC Radio 1), Solid Steel Radio (London), The Blend Corp. (Australia), Brooklyn Radio, and Spin Magazine.
"Playing With Scratches" reached another level it was ranked in WOXY's 97 Best Albums of 2008 (alongside albums by Santogold, TV On The Radio, Portishead, Beck, MGMT...), and Ruckus was declared one of the "Next 1000" by Urb Magazine. In royal fashion, he was crowned an official member of Ninja Tune's Solid Steel Radio, joining Cold Cut, DJ Food, DK and other top-notch DJs in producing the weekly radio show that broadcasts "The Broadest Beats" around the world.
Despite his continued success, Ruckus remains in relative obscurity in Ohio, working endlessly in the studio on a slew of new remixes, music for television, and his next solo LP. Song by song, and mix by mix, Ruckus continues to capture the hearts & minds of music lovers around the world. It's only a matter of time until the whole world realizes, this is the dawning of The Age Of Roboticus.
"Chicks"
Shit, there's no video for "Jump In". You can check out that track and many more over on his Myspace. You can also follow him on Twitter, check him out on his website, and like him on the ol' Facebook. It'll certainly get your blood flowing on a Monday.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Chemical Brothers - Further
Oh, hey there, 1996, what's goin' on? It's been a while. Nice to see you're making a come back.
So, the Chemical Brothers have released their new album, Further, and well...it's pretty awesome, actually. It seems like 2007's We Are the Night was a hiccup in a pretty linear growth in music. Not that it was a bad album, it just wasn't nearly as cohesive as previous efforts from the British electronic duo.
(Wait, side note, can I just say how awesome it is to actually be blogging again?! And here, I was worried. Shit, it's like riding a bike...)
Further starts off a little abstract with "Snow". A glitchy, feedback ridden track, it's definitely in their more psychedelic niche. The album quickly dives into what made the Chemical Brothers a household name in electronic music, a recognizable formula of synth and beats. Just enough to keep you moving, but not enough to make your heart explode, a la Happy Hardcore. While this album does get the blood thumping, it is missing the usual slamming, driving track like the infamous "Block Rockin' Beats" or "Star Guitar". Also missing from this album are predominant vocals and big name collaborations. Not that I'm really, missing them, though.
After We Are the Night and Push the Button, I think it was just better for them to tear down and rebuild, rather than trying to add on. A lot of this album is back to basics, experimental electronic music, which is never a bad thing. Not back to basics as in break beats, but back to basics as in this is pure, electronic music. Simple, not boring. As for the vocals, they feature American singer-songwriter Stephanie Dosen in a few, spacey tracks, which she's perfect for. There is not a chorus to be found on this album, only chants and whispers.
Among the best tracks on the album are "Escape Velocity", a twelve minute expanse of...build. That's what this track is all about, and it's flawless. Jesus, after making music for twenty years, they better get that shit right. It's perfect. It's one of those tracks and before you know it, you're groovin' right along. And then there's "Wonders of the Deep", which is very reminiscent of the David Guetta/David Bowie situation on "Just For One Day (Heroes) [Extended Version]". Not in the vocal sense, but the musical sense.
If you've ever, and I mean EVER, enjoyed the Chemical Brothers, check out this album. It's a throw back to the golden days of early EDM, which makes me just the tiniest bit nostalgic. It would fit right in on that old school electronic play list. You can check out all eight tracks for free over on their Myspace. B
You can also check out their site for more info.
"Escape Velocity"
(Another side note: God, it's nice to have working videos. I don't think Blogspot could have made it more annoying to import videos/music. That's why I just gave up on them!)
So, the Chemical Brothers have released their new album, Further, and well...it's pretty awesome, actually. It seems like 2007's We Are the Night was a hiccup in a pretty linear growth in music. Not that it was a bad album, it just wasn't nearly as cohesive as previous efforts from the British electronic duo.
(Wait, side note, can I just say how awesome it is to actually be blogging again?! And here, I was worried. Shit, it's like riding a bike...)
Further starts off a little abstract with "Snow". A glitchy, feedback ridden track, it's definitely in their more psychedelic niche. The album quickly dives into what made the Chemical Brothers a household name in electronic music, a recognizable formula of synth and beats. Just enough to keep you moving, but not enough to make your heart explode, a la Happy Hardcore. While this album does get the blood thumping, it is missing the usual slamming, driving track like the infamous "Block Rockin' Beats" or "Star Guitar". Also missing from this album are predominant vocals and big name collaborations. Not that I'm really, missing them, though.
After We Are the Night and Push the Button, I think it was just better for them to tear down and rebuild, rather than trying to add on. A lot of this album is back to basics, experimental electronic music, which is never a bad thing. Not back to basics as in break beats, but back to basics as in this is pure, electronic music. Simple, not boring. As for the vocals, they feature American singer-songwriter Stephanie Dosen in a few, spacey tracks, which she's perfect for. There is not a chorus to be found on this album, only chants and whispers.
Among the best tracks on the album are "Escape Velocity", a twelve minute expanse of...build. That's what this track is all about, and it's flawless. Jesus, after making music for twenty years, they better get that shit right. It's perfect. It's one of those tracks and before you know it, you're groovin' right along. And then there's "Wonders of the Deep", which is very reminiscent of the David Guetta/David Bowie situation on "Just For One Day (Heroes) [Extended Version]". Not in the vocal sense, but the musical sense.
If you've ever, and I mean EVER, enjoyed the Chemical Brothers, check out this album. It's a throw back to the golden days of early EDM, which makes me just the tiniest bit nostalgic. It would fit right in on that old school electronic play list. You can check out all eight tracks for free over on their Myspace. B
You can also check out their site for more info.
"Escape Velocity"
(Another side note: God, it's nice to have working videos. I don't think Blogspot could have made it more annoying to import videos/music. That's why I just gave up on them!)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
It's Done!!!
The importing is FINALLY done.
Sweet mother of god, that terribly, arduous process is done. I ended up doing the vast majority of the import manually, thanks to every importer sucking my lady-balls. A lot of the pictures and video from the old posts are gone, but rest assured, they will be in all the new posts.
It's been so long I think I've forgotten how to blog. Seriously.
Thanks for waiting around during that process, I promise I'll have something new for you very soon!
And to all the old fans, please make sure to update your RSS feeds! For the new folks, check out all the cool stuff going on on the "Contacts" page.
Sweet mother of god, that terribly, arduous process is done. I ended up doing the vast majority of the import manually, thanks to every importer sucking my lady-balls. A lot of the pictures and video from the old posts are gone, but rest assured, they will be in all the new posts.
It's been so long I think I've forgotten how to blog. Seriously.
Thanks for waiting around during that process, I promise I'll have something new for you very soon!
And to all the old fans, please make sure to update your RSS feeds! For the new folks, check out all the cool stuff going on on the "Contacts" page.
Monday, June 21, 2010
The A-Team Movie Review or Why I Began To Worry and Pray For A Nuclear Bomb!)
So, as you can see, I'm still in the process of moving the blog over from Wordpress. Manually. All those importers suck. If you know of one that doesn't suck, let me know. In the meantime, have this absolutely hysterical review from the incredibly talented Dave Rahner. I just got this this morning and I've shot coffee out of my nose. Twice. Enjoy!
Ho.
Lee.
SHITFUCKGODDAMNCOCKSUCKINGMOTHERFUCKINGHELL!!!!! These are the words I use to describe a movie so spectacularly shitty, that, to save time, I have taken a cue from the nostalgia critic and made up a new word for it:
SHITACULAR!
Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it? Seriously, I am now dumber from having watched this movie. I have forgotten how to write this movie is so SHITACULAR. I am actually dictating this whole review to my assistant, Anathema DeVice. The only reason I have escaped from going full blown Helen Keller was that I refused to pay for a ticket. I'd rather have people think I was going to go see Marmaduke the movie instead. At least the producers of the A-Team won't get royalties from me. That made me feel a bit better.
Just a bit.
I, I, I..... I don't even know where to begin. There are just sooooooooooooooo many things to hate with this movie. If I had to write about EVERYTHING I hated about this movie, I'd have to regrow the Amazon Rainforest, wait six thousand years, then chop the whole rainforest over again so I could have enough paper to cover it all. But, since I'm such a nice guy (reference needed) and BP has already done enough irreparable damage to this planet (ZING! Seriously, BP.... Fuck you guys), I'll just boil it down to the three thing that make the A-Team movie..... (wait for it, wait for it) SHITACULAR!!!!!
1 - Plot
2 - Characterization
3 - Heart
Now let's hurry up and get this over with quickly, I have to go see my anger management therapist ASAP.
As for the plot, the first half of this ridiculously stupid anal discharge, I mean "movie" is ALL setup. How, by sleight of hand and twist of fate, they all came together. This is only important for the victims, I mean viewers, that are too young to have seen or remember the T.V. series. I can understand that. In theory, anyways. What I don't understand is why they have to waste a whole half of a movie doing what the T.V. series did in 22 seconds without ever having showed it! Five minutes of interspersed flashbacks would have gotten the job done just as well in the hands of a halfway decent directive team.
So anyways, shit blows up. They go to jail. Shit blows up again. They escape. Shit blows up for a third, fourth, and fifth time. Nothing entertaining happens. Hollywood douche nozzles piss me off. Then I smash my face into the hand rail as an experiment to see which is less painful; that or this movie. The face smashing is less painful. Credits roll. Anyone with even a smidgen of cinematic taste looks pissed.
This movie relied waaaaaaaaaaaaay (I think that's enough A's, don't you?) too heavily on what is known as willing suspension of disbelief. Willing suspension of disbelief is what make movies happen. That for two hours you can believe a man can fly, that the geek gets the girl, or that there's an energy field created by all living thing that surrounds us and penetrates us and binds the galaxy together. The "A-Team," on the other hand, is to willing suspension of disbelief as a Catholic priest with a Michael Bay boxed set taped to his dick (that's on fire) is to the altar boy of our cherished memories of this T.V. series.
To save you the high dosage of brain damage that WILL occur when you see this SHITACULAR movie, here are some examples:
-Face can be set on fire while trapped in a stack of old tires and only come out looking slightly smudged and tanner.
-That escaped convicts can fly a in free fall by firing into it.
-That said escaped convicts in said tank can slam into a Norwegian fjord at terminally velocity minus the concussive of a firing M-1 Abrams and walk out alive instead of being turned into what would roughly look like Strawberry Smuckers with stale marshmallows in it.
Speaking of walking out, I did at this point. I just couldn't watch this for another hour. But, being the uber-macho man that I am, I smoked a cigarette, listened to 'The Touch' by Stan Bush, let my testicles drop, and marched back in there. Apparently, I'm a masochist. Even more ridiculous shit happens after that, but thanks to five shots of Jameson and several Yuenglings, I don't remember (There IS a God!!)
So that leads me to characterization. It's late; I'll make this easy. I'll describe the T.V. version, then the movie version.
John "Hannibal" Smith (T.V.) - Leader. Loves his men as sons. Master of disguise and an strategist on par with the Patton/Captain America hybrid I'm making in my kitchen. When things go wrong, can come up with a backup plan at the drop of a mohawk.
Hannibal Smith (Movie) - Precognition levels only surpassed by the motherfucking Phoenix Force from the X-Men comics. His only weakness is Deus Ex Machina.
Templeton "Faceman" Peck (T.V.) - Suave, sophisticated, business like con man/ ladies man. Womanizer, sure, but still very likable. We all had a friend like this in high school.
Faceman (Yes, his actual first name) Peck (Movie) - Pretty much a self - loathing lothario since Jessica Biel's character breaks his heart. The equivalent of an over-coked frat boy that just slid your little sister roofies then said (with perfectly manicure eyebrows arched) "I'll take reeeaal good care of her, brah!" who then, after 25 seconds of date rape, plays Halo and spends all night yelling "YEAH!!!!! I JUST PWND YOU, YOU FUCKING N00B FAG!!!!" We all knew a guy like this in college, and wanted to severely beat him.
B.A. Baracus (T.V.) - Mr. Fucking. T. End of story.
B.A. Baracus (Movie) - BECOMES A FUCKING PACIFIST PUSSY HALFWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE!!!!! BLARGGGLEBRGAGKHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! SONS OF BEEE-SHEEEE!!!!!!
And can apparently slide down a 50 story building like he was fucking Spider-Man or some shit.
Murdoch (T.V.) - Comic relief. Actually had you wondering if, much like the Joker, he was actually insane or just someone that enjoyed being himself THAT much.
Murdoch (Movie) - Just annoying. I don't care how good of a pilot he was. I would have shot him in two seconds.
Finally, we are at heart. This won't take long because this movie has none. Zip. Zero. Zilch (I love alliteration). What made the A-Team as a series great was that they always stuck their collective necks out for the little guy, no matter how close they were to being caught. It was even said in the opening:
"If you have a problem; if no one else can help....."
That's where this movie's failing is. You see, a name carries A LOT of authority with it. Certain expectations were to be met. If this movie was Mission: IMPOSSIBLE IV? Well, it still would have been SHITACULAR, but forgivingly SHITACULAR! But it's not Mission: IMPOSSIBLE IV!!!! It's the FUCKING A-TEAM!!!! And them having a movie that doesn't involve them helping out a beleaguered store owner or a small village that's being trampled on by the mafia or a Third World dictatorship just isn't right. It was a wholly selfish 'clear-our-names' story that couldn't even capture their own compassion for other human beings!
My last two comment on this movie are as such.
1: If you're going to make a movie based off of a T.V. series, then make it, oh, I don't know, ENTERTAINING!! You've done it right before, Hollywood! Stop prescribing to the Michael Bay Thorem of Let's Just Blow Shit Up!!! Dragnet, the Dukes of Hazzard, and, God help me, even Sex In The City were true to the source material, and therefore, their fans. Hire writers, directors, and producers that give a shit about the story, not the paycheck!!!!!!
2: Hollywood, you've awoken a dark evil in me. Something.... ancient. Something with the burning fierceness of a billion dark stars. The type of evil that can only be exorcised by a magical, jewel encrusted dagger made from the incisor of the last dragon. Watch yourself, because I'm watching you. And I AM going to get you.
Well, that pretty much wraps it up, I guess. It was pretty cathartic to rip this movie a new asshole so big it looked like a combination Goatse/Divided By Zero demotivational poster. I hope to do this again sometime real soon. In fact, I just got my next assignment. It is, let's see here, JONAH HEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! GOD DAMN IT ALL! (Editor's note: Sometime real soon has just been pushed back to the third of never. They're still trying to finish cleaning his brains from the ceiling. Services will be held at Hoffs/Drawler Funeral Parlor. Your condolences would be appreciated.)
Ho.
Lee.
SHITFUCKGODDAMNCOCKSUCKINGMOTHERFUCKINGHELL!!!!! These are the words I use to describe a movie so spectacularly shitty, that, to save time, I have taken a cue from the nostalgia critic and made up a new word for it:
SHITACULAR!
Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it? Seriously, I am now dumber from having watched this movie. I have forgotten how to write this movie is so SHITACULAR. I am actually dictating this whole review to my assistant, Anathema DeVice. The only reason I have escaped from going full blown Helen Keller was that I refused to pay for a ticket. I'd rather have people think I was going to go see Marmaduke the movie instead. At least the producers of the A-Team won't get royalties from me. That made me feel a bit better.
Just a bit.
I, I, I..... I don't even know where to begin. There are just sooooooooooooooo many things to hate with this movie. If I had to write about EVERYTHING I hated about this movie, I'd have to regrow the Amazon Rainforest, wait six thousand years, then chop the whole rainforest over again so I could have enough paper to cover it all. But, since I'm such a nice guy (reference needed) and BP has already done enough irreparable damage to this planet (ZING! Seriously, BP.... Fuck you guys), I'll just boil it down to the three thing that make the A-Team movie..... (wait for it, wait for it) SHITACULAR!!!!!
1 - Plot
2 - Characterization
3 - Heart
Now let's hurry up and get this over with quickly, I have to go see my anger management therapist ASAP.
As for the plot, the first half of this ridiculously stupid anal discharge, I mean "movie" is ALL setup. How, by sleight of hand and twist of fate, they all came together. This is only important for the victims, I mean viewers, that are too young to have seen or remember the T.V. series. I can understand that. In theory, anyways. What I don't understand is why they have to waste a whole half of a movie doing what the T.V. series did in 22 seconds without ever having showed it! Five minutes of interspersed flashbacks would have gotten the job done just as well in the hands of a halfway decent directive team.
So anyways, shit blows up. They go to jail. Shit blows up again. They escape. Shit blows up for a third, fourth, and fifth time. Nothing entertaining happens. Hollywood douche nozzles piss me off. Then I smash my face into the hand rail as an experiment to see which is less painful; that or this movie. The face smashing is less painful. Credits roll. Anyone with even a smidgen of cinematic taste looks pissed.
This movie relied waaaaaaaaaaaaay (I think that's enough A's, don't you?) too heavily on what is known as willing suspension of disbelief. Willing suspension of disbelief is what make movies happen. That for two hours you can believe a man can fly, that the geek gets the girl, or that there's an energy field created by all living thing that surrounds us and penetrates us and binds the galaxy together. The "A-Team," on the other hand, is to willing suspension of disbelief as a Catholic priest with a Michael Bay boxed set taped to his dick (that's on fire) is to the altar boy of our cherished memories of this T.V. series.
To save you the high dosage of brain damage that WILL occur when you see this SHITACULAR movie, here are some examples:
-Face can be set on fire while trapped in a stack of old tires and only come out looking slightly smudged and tanner.
-That escaped convicts can fly a in free fall by firing into it.
-That said escaped convicts in said tank can slam into a Norwegian fjord at terminally velocity minus the concussive of a firing M-1 Abrams and walk out alive instead of being turned into what would roughly look like Strawberry Smuckers with stale marshmallows in it.
Speaking of walking out, I did at this point. I just couldn't watch this for another hour. But, being the uber-macho man that I am, I smoked a cigarette, listened to 'The Touch' by Stan Bush, let my testicles drop, and marched back in there. Apparently, I'm a masochist. Even more ridiculous shit happens after that, but thanks to five shots of Jameson and several Yuenglings, I don't remember (There IS a God!!)
So that leads me to characterization. It's late; I'll make this easy. I'll describe the T.V. version, then the movie version.
John "Hannibal" Smith (T.V.) - Leader. Loves his men as sons. Master of disguise and an strategist on par with the Patton/Captain America hybrid I'm making in my kitchen. When things go wrong, can come up with a backup plan at the drop of a mohawk.
Hannibal Smith (Movie) - Precognition levels only surpassed by the motherfucking Phoenix Force from the X-Men comics. His only weakness is Deus Ex Machina.
Templeton "Faceman" Peck (T.V.) - Suave, sophisticated, business like con man/ ladies man. Womanizer, sure, but still very likable. We all had a friend like this in high school.
Faceman (Yes, his actual first name) Peck (Movie) - Pretty much a self - loathing lothario since Jessica Biel's character breaks his heart. The equivalent of an over-coked frat boy that just slid your little sister roofies then said (with perfectly manicure eyebrows arched) "I'll take reeeaal good care of her, brah!" who then, after 25 seconds of date rape, plays Halo and spends all night yelling "YEAH!!!!! I JUST PWND YOU, YOU FUCKING N00B FAG!!!!" We all knew a guy like this in college, and wanted to severely beat him.
B.A. Baracus (T.V.) - Mr. Fucking. T. End of story.
B.A. Baracus (Movie) - BECOMES A FUCKING PACIFIST PUSSY HALFWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE!!!!! BLARGGGLEBRGAGKHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! SONS OF BEEE-SHEEEE!!!!!!
And can apparently slide down a 50 story building like he was fucking Spider-Man or some shit.
Murdoch (T.V.) - Comic relief. Actually had you wondering if, much like the Joker, he was actually insane or just someone that enjoyed being himself THAT much.
Murdoch (Movie) - Just annoying. I don't care how good of a pilot he was. I would have shot him in two seconds.
Finally, we are at heart. This won't take long because this movie has none. Zip. Zero. Zilch (I love alliteration). What made the A-Team as a series great was that they always stuck their collective necks out for the little guy, no matter how close they were to being caught. It was even said in the opening:
"If you have a problem; if no one else can help....."
That's where this movie's failing is. You see, a name carries A LOT of authority with it. Certain expectations were to be met. If this movie was Mission: IMPOSSIBLE IV? Well, it still would have been SHITACULAR, but forgivingly SHITACULAR! But it's not Mission: IMPOSSIBLE IV!!!! It's the FUCKING A-TEAM!!!! And them having a movie that doesn't involve them helping out a beleaguered store owner or a small village that's being trampled on by the mafia or a Third World dictatorship just isn't right. It was a wholly selfish 'clear-our-names' story that couldn't even capture their own compassion for other human beings!
My last two comment on this movie are as such.
1: If you're going to make a movie based off of a T.V. series, then make it, oh, I don't know, ENTERTAINING!! You've done it right before, Hollywood! Stop prescribing to the Michael Bay Thorem of Let's Just Blow Shit Up!!! Dragnet, the Dukes of Hazzard, and, God help me, even Sex In The City were true to the source material, and therefore, their fans. Hire writers, directors, and producers that give a shit about the story, not the paycheck!!!!!!
2: Hollywood, you've awoken a dark evil in me. Something.... ancient. Something with the burning fierceness of a billion dark stars. The type of evil that can only be exorcised by a magical, jewel encrusted dagger made from the incisor of the last dragon. Watch yourself, because I'm watching you. And I AM going to get you.
Well, that pretty much wraps it up, I guess. It was pretty cathartic to rip this movie a new asshole so big it looked like a combination Goatse/Divided By Zero demotivational poster. I hope to do this again sometime real soon. In fact, I just got my next assignment. It is, let's see here, JONAH HEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! GOD DAMN IT ALL! (Editor's note: Sometime real soon has just been pushed back to the third of never. They're still trying to finish cleaning his brains from the ceiling. Services will be held at Hoffs/Drawler Funeral Parlor. Your condolences would be appreciated.)
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