She & Him – Volume Two

If nothing else, I have learned something from She & Him’s new album, Volume Two (so original, eh? Who’da thunk up that one after a debut album named Volume One?). I have learned that I really, really, really detest Zooey Deschanel. Really.

Her adorable “quirkiness” is such a fucking marketing ploy. Honestly…what has she ever actually excelled in? Her acting is mediocre at best. She’s as monotonous as Ben Stein but without the humor. And her singing…oh, the singing. Does she fill her mouth with marbles before recording? Does she eat a lot of crackers? What the hell can you even do to make a person sound like that!?

On the other hand, I’m a huge fan of M. Ward’s music, even if he is a pretentious asshole. He won’t even let fans snap pictures at shows anymore. Seriously? Maybe rock star was a poor choice of career for you, buddy. Go hang out with Vampire Weekend.

Well, onto the album. Honestly, I listened to the first minute of every track because that’s all that I could stand. It’s a no good, terrible, very bad album. I can’t give you an honest review because I couldn’t bring myself to listen to it all the way through. Not even once. Not even a little bit.

If Zooey Deschanel doesn’t make you want to blow your brains out, then you might be okay with this album. Hell, if you’re a tasteless hipster, you might even enjoy this album.

I vote for more Him, less She. And to Zooey Deschanel: stop ruining music. Between you, Butch Walker, and Johnny Depp, I won’t have anything left to enjoy! D

HI! I'm Zooey Deschanel and I fail at LIFE!