Monday, June 21, 2010

The A-Team Movie Review or Why I Began To Worry and Pray For A Nuclear Bomb!)

So, as you can see, I'm still in the process of moving the blog over from Wordpress. Manually. All those importers suck. If you know of one that doesn't suck, let me know. In the meantime, have this absolutely hysterical review from the incredibly talented Dave Rahner. I just got this this morning and I've shot coffee out of my nose. Twice. Enjoy!

Ho.

Lee.

SHITFUCKGODDAMNCOCKSUCKINGMOTHERFUCKINGHELL!!!!! These are the words I use to describe a movie so spectacularly shitty, that, to save time, I have taken a cue from the nostalgia critic and made up a new word for it:

SHITACULAR!

Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it? Seriously, I am now dumber from having watched this movie. I have forgotten how to write this movie is so SHITACULAR. I am actually dictating this whole review to my assistant, Anathema DeVice. The only reason I have escaped from going full blown Helen Keller was that I refused to pay for a ticket. I'd rather have people think I was going to go see Marmaduke the movie instead. At least the producers of the A-Team won't get royalties from me. That made me feel a bit better.

Just a bit.

I, I, I..... I don't even know where to begin. There are just sooooooooooooooo many things to hate with this movie. If I had to write about EVERYTHING I hated about this movie, I'd have to regrow the Amazon Rainforest, wait six thousand years, then chop the whole rainforest over again so I could have enough paper to cover it all. But, since I'm such a nice guy (reference needed) and BP has already done enough irreparable damage to this planet (ZING! Seriously, BP.... Fuck you guys), I'll just boil it down to the three thing that make the A-Team movie..... (wait for it, wait for it) SHITACULAR!!!!!

1 - Plot
2 - Characterization
3 - Heart

Now let's hurry up and get this over with quickly, I have to go see my anger management therapist ASAP.

As for the plot, the first half of this ridiculously stupid anal discharge, I mean "movie" is ALL setup. How, by sleight of hand and twist of fate, they all came together. This is only important for the victims, I mean viewers, that are too young to have seen or remember the T.V. series. I can understand that. In theory, anyways. What I don't understand is why they have to waste a whole half of a movie doing what the T.V. series did in 22 seconds without ever having showed it! Five minutes of interspersed flashbacks would have gotten the job done just as well in the hands of a halfway decent directive team.

So anyways, shit blows up. They go to jail. Shit blows up again. They escape. Shit blows up for a third, fourth, and fifth time. Nothing entertaining happens. Hollywood douche nozzles piss me off. Then I smash my face into the hand rail as an experiment to see which is less painful; that or this movie. The face smashing is less painful. Credits roll. Anyone with even a smidgen of cinematic taste looks pissed.

This movie relied waaaaaaaaaaaaay (I think that's enough A's, don't you?) too heavily on what is known as willing suspension of disbelief. Willing suspension of disbelief is what make movies happen. That for two hours you can believe a man can fly, that the geek gets the girl, or that there's an energy field created by all living thing that surrounds us and penetrates us and binds the galaxy together. The "A-Team," on the other hand, is to willing suspension of disbelief as a Catholic priest with a Michael Bay boxed set taped to his dick (that's on fire) is to the altar boy of our cherished memories of this T.V. series.

To save you the high dosage of brain damage that WILL occur when you see this SHITACULAR movie, here are some examples:

-Face can be set on fire while trapped in a stack of old tires and only come out looking slightly smudged and tanner.

-That escaped convicts can fly a in free fall by firing into it.

-That said escaped convicts in said tank can slam into a Norwegian fjord at terminally velocity minus the concussive of a firing M-1 Abrams and walk out alive instead of being turned into what would roughly look like Strawberry Smuckers with stale marshmallows in it.

Speaking of walking out, I did at this point. I just couldn't watch this for another hour. But, being the uber-macho man that I am, I smoked a cigarette, listened to 'The Touch' by Stan Bush, let my testicles drop, and marched back in there. Apparently, I'm a masochist. Even more ridiculous shit happens after that, but thanks to five shots of Jameson and several Yuenglings, I don't remember (There IS a God!!)

So that leads me to characterization. It's late; I'll make this easy. I'll describe the T.V. version, then the movie version.

John "Hannibal" Smith (T.V.) - Leader. Loves his men as sons. Master of disguise and an strategist on par with the Patton/Captain America hybrid I'm making in my kitchen. When things go wrong, can come up with a backup plan at the drop of a mohawk.

Hannibal Smith (Movie) - Precognition levels only surpassed by the motherfucking Phoenix Force from the X-Men comics. His only weakness is Deus Ex Machina.

Templeton "Faceman" Peck (T.V.) - Suave, sophisticated, business like con man/ ladies man. Womanizer, sure, but still very likable. We all had a friend like this in high school.

Faceman (Yes, his actual first name) Peck (Movie) - Pretty much a self - loathing lothario since Jessica Biel's character breaks his heart. The equivalent of an over-coked frat boy that just slid your little sister roofies then said (with perfectly manicure eyebrows arched) "I'll take reeeaal good care of her, brah!" who then, after 25 seconds of date rape, plays Halo and spends all night yelling "YEAH!!!!! I JUST PWND YOU, YOU FUCKING N00B FAG!!!!" We all knew a guy like this in college, and wanted to severely beat him.

B.A. Baracus (T.V.) - Mr. Fucking. T. End of story.

B.A. Baracus (Movie) - BECOMES A FUCKING PACIFIST PUSSY HALFWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE!!!!! BLARGGGLEBRGAGKHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! SONS OF BEEE-SHEEEE!!!!!!

And can apparently slide down a 50 story building like he was fucking Spider-Man or some shit.

Murdoch (T.V.) - Comic relief. Actually had you wondering if, much like the Joker, he was actually insane or just someone that enjoyed being himself THAT much.

Murdoch (Movie) - Just annoying. I don't care how good of a pilot he was. I would have shot him in two seconds.

Finally, we are at heart. This won't take long because this movie has none. Zip. Zero. Zilch (I love alliteration). What made the A-Team as a series great was that they always stuck their collective necks out for the little guy, no matter how close they were to being caught. It was even said in the opening:

"If you have a problem; if no one else can help....."

That's where this movie's failing is. You see, a name carries A LOT of authority with it. Certain expectations were to be met. If this movie was Mission: IMPOSSIBLE IV? Well, it still would have been SHITACULAR, but forgivingly SHITACULAR! But it's not Mission: IMPOSSIBLE IV!!!! It's the FUCKING A-TEAM!!!! And them having a movie that doesn't involve them helping out a beleaguered store owner or a small village that's being trampled on by the mafia or a Third World dictatorship just isn't right. It was a wholly selfish 'clear-our-names' story that couldn't even capture their own compassion for other human beings!

My last two comment on this movie are as such.

1: If you're going to make a movie based off of a T.V. series, then make it, oh, I don't know, ENTERTAINING!! You've done it right before, Hollywood! Stop prescribing to the Michael Bay Thorem of Let's Just Blow Shit Up!!! Dragnet, the Dukes of Hazzard, and, God help me, even Sex In The City were true to the source material, and therefore, their fans. Hire writers, directors, and producers that give a shit about the story, not the paycheck!!!!!!

2: Hollywood, you've awoken a dark evil in me. Something.... ancient. Something with the burning fierceness of a billion dark stars. The type of evil that can only be exorcised by a magical, jewel encrusted dagger made from the incisor of the last dragon. Watch yourself, because I'm watching you. And I AM going to get you.

Well, that pretty much wraps it up, I guess. It was pretty cathartic to rip this movie a new asshole so big it looked like a combination Goatse/Divided By Zero demotivational poster. I hope to do this again sometime real soon. In fact, I just got my next assignment. It is, let's see here, JONAH HEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! GOD DAMN IT ALL! (Editor's note: Sometime real soon has just been pushed back to the third of never. They're still trying to finish cleaning his brains from the ceiling. Services will be held at Hoffs/Drawler Funeral Parlor. Your condolences would be appreciated.)

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